Exploring Grief and Loss in Finding Neverland

The following is an excerpt from a recent review for one of my grad classes.


Dealing with grief over the loss of loved ones is a major theme running through Finding Neverland.  The movie focuses on Peter’s response to his father’s death and his discovery that his mother is terminally ill.  Peter has gone through a transformation since we first met him in the beginning of the movie.  

He responded to his father’s death by becoming emotionally distant and “growing up” beyond his years.  He has no time for silliness and seems to be a very serious and very sad young boy. James (a playwright who has befriended Peter’s mother and family), however, has a gift with people and develops an almost mystical relationship with Peter, inspiring him to dream again, to hope again, and to trust again.  

In a key scene, James and Peter’s mom sit down outside James’ country cabin to watch a play that Peter has written. As the scene progresses, we see Peter introducing his play and his cast (his brothers and sister).  As the play develops, Peter’s mom begins to cough until the coughing is uncontrollable.  The play stops, the doctor visits, and Peter finally expresses his emotions in the form of anger.

We are alerted by the sound of glass and watch as James goes outside and finds Peter destroying the set that he created.  Instead of stopping him, James sits down and gives Peter the precious space he needs to express himself.  Peter explains how his mother “lied” to him about his father’s health, telling him and his siblings that his father would be ready to go fishing in a week.  Instead, he died the next day.

Peter’s mom has been telling him that she has a chest cold and that everything is okay.  Peter knows that everything is not okay, but no one will entrust him with the truth.  Instead, they minimize the severity of the situation and he responds by saying, “I won’t be lied to.  I won’t be made a fool!”  With that, his mother comes out and tries to console him, saying, “It’s only a chest cold,” which further infuriates him.  He pulls himself away from her arms and runs off.

This scene shows a stark contrast between how people allow others to experience the pain of loss and to join them in grief.  Peter’s mom wants to shield him from the pain and elects not to tell him.  She grieves the loss of her husband and her own terminal illness independently.  In essence, she models independent grieving (or the seeming lack of grieving) for her children, of whom Peter is most negatively affected.  Peter needs to know how to grieve and longs for his mother to tell him the truth, no matter how painful she thinks it is.  By not telling Peter the truth, she keeps him at a distance from herself – the very person he longs to be near.

On the other hand we have James who sits in the chair and allows Peter to vent.  He does not try to stop him or shield him from the pain of the situation.  Later in the film, James encourages Peter’s mother to allow her children to grieve with her –anticipatory grief – by telling them the truth about her situation and being emotionally present with them.  The painfulness of the situation cannot be avoided and James helps the family live and love through the pain. The film ends with one of the most beautiful, bittersweet scenes and provides the family (not to mention the audience) a way to grieve and celebrate life at the same time.

Believing is Seeing

I’m becoming more and more convinced that believing is seeing, especially in the realm of faith.

In today’s “empirically proven” world (which I greatly appreciate), I think we have put to the test realms that do no qualify for such testing, like faith.

All too often, I hear people trying to prove God’s existence so that others might believe.  Now, I think that we should apply our minds and consider the evidence, but I’m fairly sure that is not a prerequisite to faith for most individuals.   In other words, I don’t think it is accurate to say that seeing is believing.  

Perhaps the evidence is pretty clear in the first place, but people don’t see what is right in front of their noses because they don’t believe.  Seeing isn’t enough.  

How many people walked in the footsteps of the Nazarene, watched the miracles, witnessed his death, and witnessed his resurrection?  How many saw and did not believe?  

Consider his words, “Have you believed because you have seen me?  Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”   The Nazarene inspired belief by taking himself into their midst, re-initiating the relationship. What is necessary is working with people to help them deal with whatever is getting in the way of seeing reality, whatever is getting in the way of the most significant relationship in their life.

For example, imagine a person locked in a dark room with their eyes shut.  Now, I could talk to that person about the outside world, all there is to see, and I could work through the latest research to prove the existence of the outside world to the person.  

The world is waiting for the person, but the person has to choose to open his eyes and walk out of the dark room.  In essence, faith/belief will precede his seeing the world. I think my work is to help others move into an area of life where they are more likely to utilize their faith.

If belief is the window for seeing what is real, does this mean that we can believe anything and see anything?  Does it mean that if we believe something, then it is necessarily true?

Not at all.  If, for example, I choose to believe that my Moleskine journal will give me unlimited satisfaction, that it’s the only thing I need in life, that it’s the true key to happiness, I would soon find out that my belief was inaccurate and that which I wished to see I could not see because it does not exist in the realm of reality.

Belief then becomes a sort of test of reality.  Go ahead, test God with your belief :).  Or test whatever it is you’re interested in right now.  

The balance is being honest enough with ourselves to let go of beliefs when they’re clearly not in alignment with reality, not healthy for others, or not healthy for ourselves.

People Powered

I am people-powered as much as I am solar-powered.  I get a charge out of being in the light and being with people.  

Tonight, I decided to take a walk around our neighborhood, inwardly hoping to meet some of our neighbors.  I am working from home these days and could feel my people-powered tank running on fumes.  

So, I set out on my own and felt unusually self-conscious about being a man walking around by himself in a new neighborhood.  In short, I felt like an outsider as I walked past people talking to each other in front of their garages.  I tried a few weak “hi’s” and “hello’s”, but didn’t get the responses I was looking for.

Getting to know people is hard work, even for people who like to do so.

And it’s risky.  We risk rejection when we attempt to befriend “strangers”.  There are myriad reasons that people don’t get to know the people 15’ from their front door, but I’ll venture to guess that one of the primary reasons is the fear of rejection.

In fact, as I walked around, I noticed other people outside and from their behaviors I picked up that they, too, were looking for relationships.  They weren’t just out getting exercise; they were hoping to connect with other humans.

And that desire for connecting with others is one of the most powerful of human drives.

Just think of all the things we do to keep ourselves from feeling disconnected, except taking the risks necessary to connect.  Almost anything can qualify and most of the “diversions” are fine and healthy in and of themselves.  But when we use them to avoid the pain that accompanies the process of relationship building, then we have gone awry and we cheat those who would benefit from our friendship as much as we cheat ourselves.

Thankfully, my walk had a happy ending. I was nearing our home and saw one of our “unmet” neighbors pull up to his garage.  I had to slow down to get his attention, and I had to make it obvious that I wanted to meet him.  But it was a positive encounter and the uncomfortable work of first meeting is now over.  

Then, as I walked away I noticed our “unmet” neighbor-next-door standing outside as she talked with a friend.  This time it was she who initiated the greeting and I spent 15 quality minutes talking with her, her husband, and her friend.

I walked into our home fuller than I left, and it was the simple meeting of human spirits that provided the spark of energy.  Love it!!
Selah

Self-Appreciation

I don’t know about you, but I somehow adopted the belief that it is not okay to appreciate yourself.  Rather, it is better to put yourself down, consider yourself as unworthy, a “sinner”, in need of grace, or whatever the lingo – the message is the same.  Now, I’m not talking about narcissism, just a healthy view of self.

We are not all bad.  We’re not all good, either.  We’re somewhere along a continuum, and I think we are worse when we think we are.  In other words, when we think of ourselves as bad and subscribe to the doctrine of self-deprecation, we tend to be what we think we are.  And if we are not, but believe we are, then we live trapped in a world of condemnation and confusion.

I’m subscribing to the principle of healthy self-appreciation.  I don’t need any help finding my flaws.  I’ve had plenty of practice and others are more than likely to help with the job :).  I do need a bit of help finding the good.

I think what I’m saying is that we need to learn to love ourselves.  The less we love ourselves, the less we love others.  I believe there is a direct correlation between self-love and others-love.

If you read the words of the miracle-working, self-loving, others-loving, healthy-living, prophesying, preaching man named Jesus, he promoted self-love prior (or at least alongside) others-love.  He’s recorded as saying that men should love each other as they love themselves.  

One of the basic principles of life is you can’t give what you don’t have.  And sometimes you can get what you don’t have by trying to get it.  I think there has to be a balance.  I have experienced a growth of self-love through acts of service/love to others.  The truth is that we have a lot to give.  

One of my roles as a counselor-in-training is to help clients see what they do have.  And I believe that there are times when you have to give what you don’t think you have in order to discover that you have it.  Sometimes you do not feel capable of giving love, but upon attempting to give it, you find resources that were untapped and unrecognized.  Through this, self-love grows.

So I am not advocating self-love that simply loves self, because I don’t think we can really love ourselves if we are not loving others.  The two are inextricably linked.  I am advocating both and see self-deprecation as eliminating both.

Power of Perception

I’m not certain that perception is everything, but I know perception powerfully influences (if not shapes) my beliefs about the world, myself, others, and on and on goes the comprehensive list.

Perhaps the power of perception sheds light on the principle “don’t judge each other”.  I believe our judgments are so flawed because of our limited perception of reality.  

Recently, I harshly judged a loved one – based on my perception of his life, behavior, and circumstances.  After spending time with him, I understood more and my judgment lost its severity; in fact, my judgment lost its meaning if it ever had any.  As my new experiences yielded more clarity about what was really true about the situation, I felt less and less of a need to judge and more and more of a need to comfort and encourage.

How many of our broken relationships, interpersonal conflicts, misunderstandings, wounds, wars, and scars have their roots in judgments based on limited perception?  When will I learn to leave judgment to a higher power with more perfect perception?  When will I learn to be present with others and accept my lack of understanding as part of being human?  When will I learn to be helpful instead of judgmental?  What worth is my judgment?

Again, more questions than answers.  But the pursuit continues!

Selah

Bob Ross and God

Remember Bob Ross, the eccentric (at least he appeared so to a farm kid from a red state) artist who took a blank piece of canvas and transformed it before our eyes into a scene of inviting beauty?

This morning, I watched the sun rise again– a habit that is forming now that our bedroom window faces the eastern sky – and I watched as a relatively unattractive horizon of blurry shapes gave way to spectacular light. A blank canvas (well, not exactly, but work with me :) transformed into the beauty in which we all live. Amazing!

Send/Receive

I’m an Outlook junkie – I admit it.  Yes, I’m one of those guys who can’t wait for the automatic-check-for-mail feature.  I constantly hit send/receive just in case someone wrote me during the 12 seconds since I last checked.

So I’m doing my Outlook thing today and registering for my Fall classes on the side, if you can call that much $ per credit “on the side”.  New housing costs, a trip to Turkey, and just day-to-day expenses have put a bit of a crunch on the old pocket book and I was beginning to wonder where we would come up with some extra dinero.

As I finished up my registration and attached it to an email, I simultaneously brainstormed ideas for extra money (legal extra money) and thought about what country Emily and I are going to visit next year.  Such ideas are not necessarily friends, and were in fact competing for brain space.

Truth be told, the more stressful of the two ideas was winning out and I began to do that little internal sweat thing that happens when I am moving toward inward anguish (even if to observers I look like I just took a sedative).  

The registration is now finished, attached, and the email is written to the appropriate contact at the school.  I am thinking about how much money we don’t have and I push Send.

Now, one of my favorite sights each day  is seeing my Outlook Send/Receive Progress box with the message “Receiving 1 of 1” or “Receiving 4 of 4” and watching my Inbox label change from normal to bold text.

Well, as my registration is being sent, I am also receiving a message.  I hurry and click on the inbox and see a note from a company for which I do a bit of work.  The note was actually an invitation to work from home on a special project and make money.  Pretty amazing, and I don’t believe in coincidences, so decide what you will about the timing.

Love it!

And I know that I switched tenses several times and I would like to say it was intentional and creative and significant, but I really just tired of the past and decided to go present.  Hmmm…Go present.  I like that.  Go present.  (Present with the “s” sound not the “z” :).

Good Times!

Ahhh – Good times! I just wanted to commemorate our first family dinner at our new home. Yes, the guy in the corner has a hamburger buns bag on his head :)! And the bowl of cherries – hand-picked from just down the street. A neighbor had a “Free Cherries” sign in front of his yard, so we went down in a wind storm and pulled cherries off – great fun! Such a good day. Such a great family!